10 Things Donor-Conceived Children Want Parents To Know

Lisa Schuman, LCSW, has spent more than two decades working with families who have opted for donor conception. Here are the things she's witnessed donor-conceived kids typically care most about. 

Parents of donor-conceived children can have strong feelings about the way they built their families. Often, feelings of loss, joy, excitement, anxiety, fear, or simply a feeling of not knowing how to understand their child or child-to-be can be consuming. Parents of donor-conceived children want to do all they can to help their children feel happy, successful, and close.

Yet, because many parents who use donor conception are not well-educated about the ways they can best understand their children, they may project their feelings or fears onto their children. Or they may feel surprised when an issue concerning their donor arises and become frustrated, not knowing how to manage that experience in the moment.

It is not always easy to put the donor's role in the proper perspective, but this is important so families can pave the way for positive dialogues with each other and with the world outside their families. Becoming comfortable living as a family created with the assistance of donor conception requires learning ways of understanding how donor-conceived children feel and what they need from their parents as they grow.

Donor conception means having a child using donated eggs, sperm, or embryos. This is typically done through fertility treatments, including intrauterine insemination (IUI) with donor sperm, in vitro fertilization (IVF) for donor sperm or donor eggs, or an embryo transfer for embryo donation. When a child is born with the help of a donor, they are referred to as a donor-conceived person.

What to Know About Raising a Donor-Conceived Child

I have worked with donors and the recipients of egg, sperm, and embryo donation for decades. I run support groups for parents who have used donor conception and educational programs for donor-conceived children. Through my years of experience, I have watched hundreds of parents struggle before, during, and after the process of creating their families.

I formed the Center for Family Building to meet the needs of these people and to guide, support, and educate them so they can have an easier journey to parenthood and feel more comfortable in understanding the needs of their donor-conceived child.

Here are the 10 things I've learned that donor-conceived children often want their parents to know:

1. You are their parents

There are various ways donor-conceived children come to be. Whether a child is genetically connected to one parent or not, they will likely wonder about their origins. It's also true that they may want to find their donor and/or donor-related siblings someday, but that doesn't mean they see them as their nuclear family. They know their family are the people who have raised and cared for them.

2. Feelings can change

Don't feel thrown by your child's ever-changing feelings about their genetic make-up. They may never be interested in learning more about their genetic background or may be interested at various times in their lives. Their feelings may change over time as they grow and develop their own unique identity.

3. Exploring feelings together is important

There are two important parts to this. First, if your child is having feelings about their donor or being donor-conceived, chances are they want you to be open to talking about it. There will be times they will want to talk to you and times when they may be more introspective, but they always want to know it is not a topic they need to be concerned you will feel uncomfortable discussing.

Second, your child may not be ready to meet or learn things about their donor. Perhaps they have fantasies about the donor and are not prepared to meet them yet, or maybe they have concerns that are truly not about the donor. Every person, situation, and culture is different. Consider what makes sense for your child now and help them explore their feelings with you. Their feelings and understanding will change over time, so if they seem to be struggling, it is often better to give it some time, explore their feelings with them, or seek guidance from a qualified professional. I discuss this in more depth in my book, Building Your Family: The Complete Guide to Donor Conception.

4. They want to feel connected to you

Your child may listen more intently when strangers make comments about them looking like you. They may want to share your hair color, hobbies, or habits. Whether they look like you or not, they want to find ways to connect with you. If your child feels a yearning for this, you can develop family traditions and discover fun activities together. It is also okay to let them know that you would also have loved to have the same dimples, for example, but it is okay that you don’t. You love each other, and you are a family. 

5. It is okay to mention their donor

Just because your child may not always feel like talking about their donor, it doesn't mean they forget about how they came to be. So, mentioning their donor will not make them remember or stir up negative feelings.

6. Saying nice things helps

It's a good idea to say nice things about the donor to your children or in front of them. Remember, even if you and your children have many similarities and even look alike, your child always knows that part of them is connected to someone outside of the family, and you want them to feel good about those parts of themselves as well, not just the parts that are connected to you. 

7. It’s their information

The journey to have a child is your story, and you may share that story with others. Your fertility treatment story will always belong to you, but the information about the donor will eventually belong to your child. As they get older, they will develop their own thoughts about who they want to tell about their donor and when—and that will be their choice.

8. Meeting other non-traditional families is a good idea

It may not be easy to find other donor-conceived children, but meeting children with different family structures can feel comforting and will help your child understand that there are many ways to build a family.

9. It’s okay for your child to feel sad sometimes

If they have moments of sadness or disappointment about being donor-conceived, let them feel those emotions. It does not mean that they will always feel sad.

10. Remember, your child is still just a child

Your little one's personality—mature or immature for their age, introverted or extroverted—may influence how they feel about their donor at different stages of development. So don't worry so much about making mistakes as you navigate your family dynamics. Like any parent and child, your relationship will develop over time; you will learn and grow, and they will too. Most importantly, you have an opportunity to be there for your child as their ally in their self-discovery, and that includes their discovery about their feelings about their donor, donor-related siblings, and about being donor-conceived.

Feel free to reach out to us anytime with questions; we are here to help www.familybuilding.net. You can also find more information on our podcast, Building Your Family, available on YouTube and all audio platforms.

This article was previously published on Parents.com.

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